


And then you find you do

by ToshiChan



Category: Tiger & Bunny
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual Character, Comfort, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emetophobia, Families of Choice, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Injury Recovery, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, It's referred to but never described, Ivan throws up, Nightmares, Platonic Relationships, Rape Recovery, Recovery, Secrets, Team as Family, Trauma, but it does get better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:28:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27616967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToshiChan/pseuds/ToshiChan
Summary: The world ends often when you are young. You think, I cannot live with this. And then you find you do.
Relationships: Antonio Lopez/Nathan Seymour, Barnaby "Bunny" Brooks Jr./Kaburagi T. Kotetsu, Huang Pao-Lin & Ivan Karelin, Ivan Karelin & Keith Goodman, Kaburagi T. Kotetsu & Ivan Karelin, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 16





	And then you find you do

**Author's Note:**

> All references to the rape are brief, unspecific and never detail the actual event, though there is a scene leading up to it. Still, take heed of the warnings

It gets overlooked.

There’s just too many more pressing injuries and honestly, nobody even  _ thinks  _ to check for it and so it gets overlooked.

He wakes up and there’s pain but it’s dulled and he can move through it to relay the information that the city needs. He’s aware that things are bad, are probably going to get worse. What he’s feeling, the intense brokenness of his body, none of it matters. In a time like this, being a hero comes first.

It’s a lesson he’s only just learnt.

He knows Kotetsu is still out there, knows it with the same certainty that he knows he breathes. Kotetsu doesn’t let injuries hold him back. Kotetsu digs his heels in and grits his teeth and gets the job done, never mind broken bones or internal bleeding.

The thing is, Ivan hasn’t been hero-ing for long in the grand scheme of things. He’s not the new boy (that’s a title that belongs to Barnaby) but compared to Keith and Nathan and Antonio and Kotetsu, he may as well be a baby. He still doesn’t have the strength to pull off incredible dazzling feats like they do. When push comes to shove, he’s still getting shoved while they’re doing the pushing.

So yeah. Kotetsu is out there facing down Jake despite the many injuries he’s already accumulated, while Ivan is lying in a hospital bed, slowly putting the pieces together as he finally realises that something much deeper has happened.

He doesn’t tell anyone.

Ivan rests and recuperates with the other injured heroes at his side and then he goes home without letting anybody know what had happened to him. He thinks, probably, that it’s something he can deal with on his own. He thinks, maybe, that there’s nothing even to have to deal with at all. It’s just another injury and he can treat it like that. His body is entirely healed, he’s ready to get back in the game and start training himself so he can truly stand on the same stage as Tiger and Barnaby and the rest of them. The thing with Jake is just a blip, a blip he’s moving past. It’s a good thing that the hospital missed it. If the others knew, it’d only make things uncomfortable, awkward.

Antonio slaps a hand down on Ivan’s shoulder when they’re at dinner one night, and he flinches away.

He doesn’t know why.

Jake is dead.

He fell to a fiery death and now he can’t hurt anybody anymore. Any lingering power he had over the heroes should be gone.

Barnaby is still investigating though, which means Kotetsu is also investigating because where one goes, the other always follows.

Barnaby deserves to find closure over the death of his parents. Ivan isn’t going to try and deny him that. It’s just that part of him wishes Barnaby could finally solve this thing and Jake could finally truly, properly die.

Ivan’s getting dressed one morning when he catches sight of himself in the mirror he has and pauses. Has he…lost weight?

He walks closer and stares into it, twisting his body this way and that in order to get a better look at himself. It’s not as if Ivan has ever been a particularly big person, but what little bulk and muscle he did have seems to be shrinking away. He only has to take the smallest of breaths in and his ribs start to strain against his skin, sharp and defined.

This alone is enough to make Ivan stop and take stock of what he’s been doing the past few weeks. Hero work has been slow, but there’s still the odd robbery to stop and publicity campaigns to take part in. He’s working out more to compensate, following a training regimen that Kotetsu suggested. Shouldn’t he be putting on more weight? He needs to get stronger, needs the muscles to back up his proclaimed statement of no longer hiding in the background.

Maybe he’s caught a virus or something? He has been feeling a bit nauseous at strange times lately. Once he’d been watching some weird action movie with Dragon Kid and he’d had to excuse himself and run to the bathroom and throw up.

Satisfied, Ivan continues getting dressed. It’s just some weird bug he’s caught and is passing through his system. He just needs a bit of rest and some medicine and then this will all pass, and things will go back to normal.

The heroes go out for dinner now. It’s a  _ thing.  _ It’s like Jake’s attack made them all too aware that whatever onscreen rivalry they have doesn’t have to extend past that. The bare minimum of hanging out at the gym and occasionally grabbing drinks is no more. Now they’re friends, close enough to have movie marathons at Nathan’s and go to dinner once a week and head out on walks together in their downtime.

Ivan would be lying if he said it wasn’t nice. With his only real friend in prison, Ivan spent the early years of his hero career lonely. He’d never been good at making friends with people his own age and was much, much worse at extending that to people older than him. With his company eager to force as much work down his throat as possible, Ivan didn’t see anybody outside of his job. Making friends with the heroes was the next obvious step but Ivan’s anxiety and the fierce rivalry a lot of them had prevented this from happening. It’s only now, with Kotetsu’s interference and Jake’s stark reminder that even heroes can fall, that everyone’s suddenly getting closer.

The thing is though, it’s a hard adjustment to make. It’s hard to go from never seeing anybody outside of work to suddenly seeing everyone all the time, and Ivan is anxious and awkward and an introvert with the tendency to overestimate his sticking power and end up burnt out after spending too much time with people. It really truly is nice to have friends. Ivan just misses being alone, sometimes.

It had nothing to do with the fact that now everyone is getting to know each other better, people can start to realise when Ivan’s okay…and when he isn’t.

Case in point.

They go out for dinner.

It’s Nathan’s pick this week (because that’s another thing they have) and they choose some upscale restaurant where the heroes can score a private room and be attended to by eager eyed waiters and waitresses, ready to leap into action at the slightest hint that something isn’t satisfactory to their guests. Ivan is a tad uncomfortable in the environment, but the others settle in easily and he finds himself relaxing the more time drags on.

He’s down the ‘kids’ end of the table with Pao-Lin and Karina. Pao-Lin is eating dumplings like usual and Karina is looking wistfully over her glass of orange juice at Kotetsu who’s laughing at something Antonio has said, a careless arm slung over Barnaby who is often a reluctant participant in their night’s out but is always at Kotetsu’s side regardless.

“Not hungry, Ivan?” Pao-Lin asks, setting down an empty plate and stifling a burp.

Ivan stares down at his plate and realises that he’s barely touched the curry he’s ordered. “I guess not,” he says, and forces himself to take a mouthful. It clogs in his throat and he ends up forcing it down with a large gulp of water.

“Aw, did you order a dud?” Pao-Lin says sympathetically. “Want some of mine?”

Pao-Lin still has some dumplings left, surprisingly, and her earnest expression nearly makes Ivan say yes.

Nearly.

“No thank you,” he says instead. “I had a big lunch anyway.”

Lie.

And the thing is, Ivan doesn’t know why he’s lying. What’s wrong with telling Pao-Lin that he hasn’t been eating well recently?

_ Because that makes it sound like something’s wrong, and nothing’s wrong, right? _

Right.

“Please tell me you’re getting dessert though,” Pao-Lin begs. “I don’t want to be the only one.”

Ivan glances down the table where Kotetsu and Antonio are sitting, already perusing the dessert menus even though they’ve eaten more than anyone else here tonight.

“I don’t think that’s going to be a problem,” he says. “But I might get something small.”

His stomach rolls at the thought of it and he frowns. Seriously, why isn’t he able to eat normally at the moment? Is the virus this persistent? Should he see a doctor?

Karina finally stops making eyes at Kotetsu and tunes back into the conversation. “You do look a little skinnier,” she says with a confidence seen mostly when she’s Blue Rose and rarely when she’s plain old schoolgirl Karina.

“Do I?” Ivan recoils. Is it that obvious? Has everyone else noticed? Has  _ Kotetsu? _

“Yeah,” Pao-Lin chimes in. “You’re right Karina.”

“I caught a stomach bug a few weeks ago,” Ivan says. “Guess I’m still recovering.”

“Oh yeah,” Pao-Lin makes a face and Ivan can tell she’s remembering their interrupted movie night. “Have you seen a doctor?”

“I didn’t,” Ivan admits. “But I might.”

It’s a lie to pacify himself as much as it is to pacify them. Ivan’s fine and he’s going to keep on being fine and he’s going to shake this virus and keep moving forward because that’s what he does now. He moves forward.

Antonio calls for a waiter and the heroes clamour to order dessert while Ivan sinks into his chair, making himself invisible once more.

**Six Months After!**

_ We sit down with some of Sternbild’s greatest to see how they’re recovering six months after Jake Martinez’s attack on the city _

The headline catches Ivan’s eyes while he’s out shopping in the early hours of the morning, too unsettled by large crowds to risk going at any other time. He recognises the magazine but not the story. He wonders who was interviewed for it and is curious enough that he slips it into his basket alongside the meagre selection of food he’s got. The person who checks him out gives him a weird look, like maybe he recognises Ivan, but he escapes without incident and heads home at a slightly brisker pace than usual.

The small apartment he lives in is out of the way and private, just how Ivan likes it. He has neighbours who don’t talk to him, but that’s alright because he doesn’t talk to them either. They all go about their own business in private, which means Ivan has never had his address leaked or been harassed at his home about being a hero.

He unpacks his shopping quickly, an easy enough task to do considering how little food he bought (why pay for food he’s not going to eat) and makes himself a pot of green tea to sip at as he curls into an armchair and flips through the magazine. It looks like Keith and Nathan are the only ones who have been interviewed. They tend to be the easiest heroes to pin down, barring perhaps Barnaby at the moment, who is probably only missing from this story because of how touchy a subject is.

The interview starts with Nathan, asking them questions about their involvement in the fight against Jake, and how they’ve been moving on with life now that it’s been over for half a year.

_ I have to say, it’s been quite easy to move on _ , Nathan says.  _ Not only did I sustain barely any injuries like some of my other fellow heroes did, but I protected the city to the best of my abilities and kept the people safe. I really have no regrets. _

Ivan’s fingers curl around the magazine tight enough to crumple the pages. No regrets, huh? Wouldn’t that be nice. Why couldn’t he have the same feelings about it all?

_ I do worry about my fellow heroes though. Some of them weren’t as lucky as me and I’m doing my best to keep an eye on them. That’s my priority right now. _

Ivan freezes. Is Nathan talking about  _ him? _

No, they can’t be, right? Surely Ivan isn’t that noticeable. Nathan’s probably talking about Kotetsu and Keith and Antonio. Or maybe it’s just a general statement, said to fill space in the article and is more of a lie than the truth. All the heroes embellish during interviews. Readers want drama, suspense, and sometimes there just isn’t any of that to give. Nathan’s tough but easily manageable time during the Jake ordeal is probably not interesting enough to stand on its own so they’ve introduced a subplot of support and a hint of hurt.

He’s breathing easier now, satisfied with the answer he’s come up with. Ivan is not someone to be worried about. He’s fine and Nathan is not looking out for him, because that part of the story is a lie.

Without even bothering to read Keith’s interview, Ivan tosses the crumpled up magazine into his bin and goes to lie on his futon, curling up into a ball under the quilt like he is a child again, hiding from the monsters that stalk him all through the day and long in the night.

“Morning, Origami!” Kotetsu calls cheerily when Ivan slinks into the exclusive hero gym for some training. The older man is already there, lounging on a bench beside Barnaby who is tapping away at his phone. Both are sweaty, clearly either part way through or finished with a workout.

“Good morning,” Ivan says, bowing slightly. He heads towards the changing room to get into his exercise gear, uncomfortable both with changing at home (since he’d then have to walk through the city in skin tight clothes) and changing in front of the men (just, no).

By the time he’s changed and ready to go, Kotetsu has vanished somewhere and only Barnaby remains, still engrossed in his phone. He doesn’t even glance up as Ivan starts his warmup stretches.

It’s slightly awkward going through his usual routine with only Barnaby in the room. While incredibly close to Kotetsu, Barnaby has yet to truly warm up to any of the other heroes. Ivan especially is intimidated by him, a fact he’s sure Barnaby knows, and so the two rarely interact during whole group meet-ups, and not at all outside of that. If only Kotetsu hadn’t bounded off somewhere and could act as a mediator.

“Don’t mind me,” Barnaby says suddenly, eyes still cast downwards. “Pretend I’m not here,”

“Uh…” Ivan freezes mid-stretch, feet twisted around each other precariously. It’s a nice sentiment and all but Ivan _literally cannot_ _do that_. Barnaby might not be looking at him, but Ivan still feels nervous, trapped, as though he’s pinned down under a pair of shining eyes.

Like Jake’s.

He stumbles and falls before he can catch himself, hitting the ground with a thud that reverberates through the room. Barnaby finally pulls his attention away from his phone, getting up and hurrying to Ivan’s side.

“Are you alright?” he asks. “Did you hurt yourself.”

“No,” Ivan says truthfully. Not unless you count his pride. “Though I suppose I’ll get a couple of bruises.”

Barnaby surprises him by laughing. “Yes, I don’t think you’ll be lucky enough to avoid that.”

He offers a hand and after a moment, Ivan takes it. Barnaby hauls him to his feet, pulling Ivan in a little too close to his body for the younger man to feel comfortable.

“Thanks,” Ivan says, trying to move back a few steps without making it seem like it’s a thing.

“So,” Barnaby says and then lets it linger. It’s refreshing to see he’s somewhat as awkward around Ivan as Ivan is around him.

“So,” Ivan says, rocking back and forth on his heels as he edges further and further away.

“All recovered? From, you know, Jake?” Barnaby asks, and of all the topics he could have chosen to talk about, this is the one Ivan wants the least.

“Yeah,” Ivan says, and he wants to be telling the truth but it feels like a lie in his mouth. “You?”

“My injuries are healed,” Barnaby offers. “But…”

Yeah. Ivan understands that. His wounds are gone, faint scars left as the only visual reminder, but beneath the surface, there is so much more going on.

“How about Kotetsu?” Ivan asks, just to shift the attention away from him.

“Doing great!” speak of the devil and he shall arrive. Kotetsu bounds back into the room, waving his own phone around. “Sorry for ducking out, had to take a phone call. Ivan! How ya doing buddy?”

“Good,” Ivan says. “You?”

“Great,” Kotetsu beams. “Never better. Really feels like this whole Jake thing has changed things for the better, you know?”

Ivan stares, because no, he doesn’t know. He opens his mouth to snap (or likely stammer) his way through a retort, but then he snaps it shut. To retort would be to admit that the wounds left on him by Jake run deeper than anyone knows. He can’t tell the others what happened. It’s his secret, one that he needs to work past on his own.

And he is working past it. Really, he is. He just needs time and then things will be entirely back to normal.

“Yeah,” Ivan says, realising with a start he hasn’t answered Kotetsu’s sort of question. “We’re all a lot closer now.”

Barnaby is giving him a weird look and Ivan shuffles his feet nervously. It’s hard to be under the scrutiny of such an intense man.

“I should get back to my workout,” he says. “Got an um…got a busy day, places to be.”

“Of course,” Kotetsu laughs self-consciously. “Sorry for interrupting.”

“Not at all,” Ivan says quickly. “It’s been nice to talk.”

Lies. All Ivan seems to do lately is lie.

“Let’s go, Kotetsu,” Barnaby tugs at his partner’s arm. “We have an interview to get to.”

Ivan tries not to let his relief show. Any workout he did in the presence of the new top heroes was going to be clumsy, unsure, a shadow of the person he’s trying to become.

“Good luck,” he says.

As they leave, Barnaby turns back to stare at Ivan.

It’s Ivan who looks away first.

There’s a villain on the loose, the first big one they city has seen since Jake showed up. All the heroes have been called into action and they leap around the city, their every movement tracked by Agnes’ camera crew, excited and ready for some fresh new action to send their ratings soaring. It’s all well and good to serve the people by stopping robberies and such but it doesn’t make for good television according to Agnes.

Ivan’s ended up closest to the villain, purely by accident. He’d been sticking back, stopping to make sure the civilians are safe and staying out of the way. He’s saved a few people from falling rubble and even shielded a family from an attack, so it’s not like he’s just hanging back and lurking around like he used to.

But then the villain (who has some sort of N.E.X.T. power where he can change the direction of moving things, which means there’s been a lot of cars zipping all over the place) somehow manages to avoid Rock Bison and Fire Emblem (who are in the thick of it all) and he doubles back round and suddenly Ivan’s running into him into a deserted alley with only the floating camera drone for company.

“Origami Cyclone!” the villain cries.

“Uh, hi?” Ivan says. The villain hasn’t announced a name for himself so it’s not like he can say anything else.

The villain adopts a fighting stance and Ivan draws his sword, dropping into a crouch. This is his chance to prove himself to the people of Sternbild once and for all. And maybe he can convince himself at the same time that he’s finally moved on from Jake.

The two lunge, Ivan sticking low and slicing up with his sword as his opponent comes at him from above. He angles the blade so the sharp side is primed to cut the villain should he come to close, but then the man brushes Ivan’s sword and there’s an abrupt jerk and suddenly Ivan’s wrists twist painfully as the weapon swings round to the left instead.

Right, changing direction.

Ivan darts back, out of reach of the villain. He hasn’t seen yet if the man’s power works on living things but there’s no chance in risking it. The idea of his body suddenly moving against his own will does not sit right with Ivan at all, for both obvious reasons and not.

With the sword clearly not an option Ivan tosses it aside, far away enough that he hopes the villain won’t be able to make use of it. Throwing stars are a possible option, if Ivan’s quick enough to hit the man before he can redirect the missiles, but for now, Ivan needs to stay back and observe. If he can hold the villain off until the others arrive, he’ll consider the fight successful.

“Scared?” the man taunts, sensing Ivan’s apprehension to approach. “Good for me. I’m glad it’s you I ran into. After all, it’s not like you pose any real threat.”

That stings, but it’s not like Ivan can protest. His opponent is right. He’s the weakest of the heroes, not strong enough to stand up for himself, not strong enough to stop Jake from-

NO! He can’t think about  _ that,  _ not here, not now.

“I’m enough of a threat to stop you,” Ivan snaps, which he hopes is true. Once more he sinks into a fighting stance, hand hovering over the pocket of his uniform where he keeps his shuriken.

The man does not follow his lead, however. He just stands there, an eyebrow raised as he stares at Ivan. It’s an intimidation technique, one Ivan has even attempted to use himself a few times. You make the other opponent think they’re not worth your time. You trick them into thinking that you have a clear advantage, maybe even enough for them to not even bother with the fight.

Ivan isn’t going to let it work. He’s a trained hero, strong enough to stand his ground even when things get rough. He stood up to Jake, even if it ended badly. He can stand up to this man.

He launches three shuriken in quick succession. The man dodges one and attempts to hit the other two. He misses both however, and one ends up pinning his sleeve against the wall. Ivan makes to move in but the villain just rips himself free without a care. Clearly the blade hadn’t lodged deep enough into the brick to effectively keep him there.

Ivan fires off another three missiles, lunging forward as he does and aiming a kick at the man’s stomach. Two shuriken find their mark this time and the villain is once again pinned to the wall. Ivan’s kick also lands, and he darts back afterwards, watching to see if his shuriken are doing their job this time.

The villain is angered but clearly winded, yelling at Ivan incomprehensibly in a raspy voice. He’s struggling as well but the shuriken are holding firm. Ivan quickly collects his sword and points it at the man as an extra sense of security.

“It’s over,” he says. Not the catchiest victory line (he’s not Blue Rose after all) but it’s something.

Behind him the camera inches closer and Ivan turns to look at it, not liking how it seems to be capturing him front and centre.

His attention is elsewhere for just a second but it’s long enough. The man kicks up and catches Ivan in the chin, displaying an impressive feat of flexibility. Ivan stumbles backwards, his jaw exploding in flashes of agony. With an almighty heave, the villain breaks free and rushes Ivan.

The pain in his jaw is enough that Ivan can barely keep his eyes open. He holds his sword up blindly to block his opponent but is easily disarmed. The man rushes him, tackling Ivan and forcing him to the ground.

Awareness overwhelms Ivan instantly.

He is pinned to the ground by a strange man who is bigger in every sense of the word. His large hands are holding Ivan’s hands down and the rest of his weight is situated solely on Ivan’s lower half. When Ivan tenses, the man correctly predicts a struggle and grinds down harder, effectively trapping Ivan under him with little to no hope of being pushed off.

It’s all too familiar, and Ivan is terrified of what might happen next. He remembers hands tearing away his suit, fingers running up and down his side, a knee pressing against his thighs. He remembers hot breath on his neck, a warning sign of dangers to come.

The man on top of him now - right here, in this moment, not back then, never back then, he’s not back there now – breathes out and Ivan feels it slip between his amour. In that moment right then, it stops being manageable and starts being too much.

He _ screams. _

He screams and he bucks his hip and he thrashes back and forth and beats his legs against the ground and he’s crying, begging, pleading for the man to  _ get off me get off me please get off me not again please get off me let me go I’ll do anything please someone help me get off me get off me  _ until it all blends into a mush of broken sobs.

Nothing else exists outside Ivan and the man on top of him. He knows the camera is there, knows it’s drinking in every moment of his panic, just like he knows that the other heroes are on their way, knows that they may be here any second. He knows all this and yet he doesn’t. He can’t tear himself away from the past and present that are blurring together, becoming interchangeable.

It’s the unnamed villain on top of him, holding him down for the mere purpose of winning the fight.

_ It’s Jake on top of him, pinning him down and giggling in delight as he slides his fingers up and down Ivan’s body. _

It’s the villain fighting back against Ivan’s struggles.

_ It’s Jake, a delicate finger pressed against Ivan’s fluttering pulse, effectively ending any kind of struggle with the implied threat of death. _

It’s the villain’s fingers digging into his wrists hard enough to leave bruises.

_ It’s Jake, carefully peeling off the thin suit Ivan’s wearing. _

It’s…

_ It’s… _

It’s…

_ It’s… _

It’s…

_It’s…_

It’s…

_It’s…_

He breaks.

__

_ It gets overlooked. _

_ There’s just too many more pressing injuries and honestly, nobody even thinks to check for it and so it gets overlooked. _

_ Ivan is lying in a hospital bed, slowly putting the pieces together as he finally realises that something much deeper has happened. _

_ He doesn’t tell anyone. _

_ Ivan just misses being alone, sometimes. _

_ It had nothing to do with the fact that now everyone is getting to know each other better, people can start to realise when Ivan’s okay…and when he isn’t. _

_ It gets overlooked. _

_ Ivan is invisible. _

He wakes up in his own house. There’s a familiar smell in the air and he knows he’s lying on his own futon, moulded to the shape of his body after years of use. There are faint voices coming from the kitchen but the more pressing matter is the heaping of blankets Ivan’s trapped under. It would be comforting, but there’s just one too many coverings and he feels trapped all of a sudden. The phantom weight of the villain still rests on him and it’s enough to get Ivan moving, springing up and throwing the various quilts aside.

He must make enough noise to alert whoever it is in the kitchen, because the voices stop and there’s the sound of footsteps. Ivan is wobbly on his feet and he has no choice but to lean against the wall and wait for the ‘intruders’ to come to him.

Soon enough, Kotetsu, Pao-Lin and Keith skid into view, all looking incredibly worried. Ivan’s knees wobble and threaten to give out but Keith is there, catching him and leading him back to the futon. Ivan sinks back down and stares anxiously up at the three heroes.

“Ivan,” Pao-Lin crouches down so they’re at an equal level. “What happened?”

“Hold on,” Kotetsu says. “We can’t just overwhelm him with a question like that.”

“Well what do you suggest we do?”

“Ask him how he is,”

“Like that’s any less of a difficult question.”

“How?”

“Guys,” Ivan interrupts. His voice is quiet but Pao-Lin and Kotetsu break off their bickering nonetheless. “What are you doing here?”

Keith sits down, crossing his legs and fixing Ivan with a worried look. “Looking after you,” he says. “We were worried after…well after we found you.”

Ivan bows his head in shame. So the others did see him after all, weak and helpless at the mercy of a man he should have bested.

“We took him down,” Pao-Lin takes up the story. “But you were unconscious by then. We were going to take you to the hospital-”

“But I thought you’d be more comfortable here,” Kotetsu cuts in. “We couldn’t see any injuries, so we just assumed you’d fainted. Was that what happened?”

Ivan nods.

“Did he hurt you?” Pao-Lin asks angrily. “Should I have hit him harder?”

“No, no,” Ivan rushes to say. “He didn’t really hurt me at all.”

“Then what happened?” Keith asks earnestly. His eyes implore Ivan for the truth, beg for the real story. How can Ivan tell them though? What can he say that won’t inadvertently refer back to Jake and what he did?

“He um…” Ivan looks down at his hands. Purple bruises are already blossoming to life, clearly shaped like fingerprints. He shudders. “He got on top of me. I kept trying to push myself up, but his N.E.X.T. ability kept forcing me back down. I guess my body couldn’t take it.”

“But…” the three heroes exchange a look, as if there’s some sort of secret they’re all in on.

“Ivan,” Keith says, and his voice is so gentle and kind and worried. “We saw the video.”

What? No! No, no, no, no, no, NO!

“That…”

That what? What can he possibly say now? If the others saw the video, then it’s all over. They know that Ivan’s unhinged, that there’s something deeply, terrifyingly wrong with him.

In all likelihood, the truth might just come out right now.

But he can still make this work. He can mention Jake without getting into the tricky details. Sure, the others are going to worry anyway, but at least they won’t know about what Jake did to Ivan, what Ivan let Jake do to him.

“Ivan?” Kotetsu presses.

“It just made me think of when Jake attacked me,” Ivan says in a rush. “Jake held me down when he beat me up, so when the man tonight got on top of me, it just sort of, reminded me of that?”

“Oh, Ivan,” Pao-Lin says. “That must have been horrible.”

“Yeah,” Ivan looks away. “That’s one way to describe it.”

“Is this what’s been bothering you?” Kotetsu asks. “Don’t look surprised, we’ve all noticed. You’re so skinny, Ivan. We know you haven’t been eating. Have you been sleeping as well? Are you doing anything to move through this? What can we do to help? Why didn’t you tell us something was up?”

It’s the frantic worry of a father, and Ivan hasn’t had a father in a long time. It almost makes him want to cry, if not for the fact that he’s preoccupied working out how to answer any of the questions he’s been asked.

“It’s just a bump,” he says. “No big deal. It’s not something I’ve really been thinking about.”

“Well that’s clearly not true,” Pao-Lin points out.

“Really,” Ivan says, because it is something he’s been trying not to think about. Trying being the key word. “I guess it’s just been at the back of my mind.”

“So, how do we fix that?” Kotetsu asks.

“I’m sure it’ll just go away,” Ivan says weakly.

“Really?” Keith says. He reaches out slowly, gently, and wraps large fingers around Ivan’s wrist. “Look at that. You’re skin and bone.”

“But that’s nothing to do with this. I was just sick for a bit, remember?”

“That was ages ago,” Pao-Lin argues. “You should be past that now, right?”

“Did you go to a doctor?” Kotetsu chips in.

Ivan hesitates, then slowly shakes his head. “No…”

“Why not?” Pao-Lin bursts out. “That’s stupid, Ivan. If you really are sick and it’s affecting you this much, then the logical thing is to see a doctor.”

“I guess I haven’t had the time,” Ivan says, and he knows it’s stupid and feeble, and yet the others soften.

“Do you need us to talk to your boss? Help you take a break from work for a while?” Keith offers.

“No!” Ivan cries. “Don’t do that!”

They stare at him and he frantically tries to calm down, to act more like the Ivan they know and less like this hysterical person he’s become.

“I…” he starts, pauses, thinks, starts again. “The best thing for me right now, I think, is for things to be normal. I don’t need a break. I need to keep working. It’s good for me.”

“What happened tonight was not good for you,” Kotetsu says.

“But-but now that I know the things that’ll upset me, I can avoid them,” Ivan counters. They can’t take this away from him. He needs to keep working. He can’t let Jake win this.

“But-”

“But nothing,” Ivan says, voice as steady as he can make it. “I’m an adult and I can make my own decisions. You’re just trying to help but I have this under control. I promise I’m fine.”

Maybe this one isn’t a lie, since Ivan wants it to be the truth.

“I just need to build some bulk up after my sickness and I’ll be back to normal. It’s only because I wasn’t strong enough to get that man off me that I panicked. I just need to be better and everything will be fine.”

He can see they all look sceptical still, and for a minute he truly wonders why he’s keeping this all a secret. Barnaby is proof that it’s better for at least  _ someone  _ to know what you’re going through. There is nothing wrong with letting the people who love you help you, so why is Ivan continuing to dig his heels in and keep what happened to himself?

“Now please,” he says, standing up to his full height as if that’ll add credit to his words. “I’m fine, and I’d like a bit of time alone, if that’s alright.”

They eventually concede and leave Ivan alone, his house empty once more. Kotetsu leaves him fried rice, fresh out of the wok and begging to be eaten, but Ivan just can’t bring himself to have any. Instead, he just goes back to his futon and curls into a ball, closing his eyes so he doesn’t have to see the deep purple bruises of someone else who managed to get the better of him.

The video of Ivan pinned down and screaming goes viral. He nearly goes to see Agnes and ask her why she let it go to air, but what’s the point? He knows the answer he’ll get. It’s just business, it’s good ratings, any attention is good attention so he should be grateful.

It’s just hard though, when he’s suddenly back to being the loser hero.

It’s even harder though to see all the fan theories as to why he broke down in the first place. Most of the forums think Ivan’s just nuts, but he sees  _ that w _ ord floating around. The idea that people who don’t even know him could see so clearly what’s wrong with him is so upsetting that Ivan locks all his devices in a cupboard and loses the key somewhere.

He can only hope the others aren’t pursuing the same websites he was.

One day, Ivan finds himself getting angry. How could they not notice what Jake did to him? Why didn’t anybody check? Was he really that disposable? Why has he been left to do this alone?

He knows that’s not fair though. He’s doing this alone by choice. He could just tell someone what he went through and ask them for help. It’s his own fault he’s having to deal with this without support. It’s his choice and he needs to stick with it.

Knowing this doesn’t suddenly make Ivan any less angry though, and he spends the day storming around the gym and then his house. His arms and hands burn, and he itches to hit something, to break it. At one point he misjudges how close he is to a doorframe, and when his shoulder smacks into it, he lunges out and hits it. It’s stupid in hindsight, but in the moment it feels so good that he does it again.

He hits the wood over and over again until the adrenaline wears off and the pain sets in. It’s only then that he retreats, slumping down against the wall and staring dully at the swollen fingers on his hand.

It’s nice to feel something other than fear or anxiety or despair. The end result just might not be desirable. He’s pretty sure his fingers aren’t broken but they might as well be, what with how much they hurt. He should have stopped earlier, should have known instantly what lashing out would do to his body.

He did know. Even as he struck out again and again, he kept going because at least this was something he could control.

At least this time he was getting hurt on his terms.

It’s weekly dinner time again and this week Antonio chooses the restaurant. It’s a BBQ place, naturally, but at least it’s a fairly quiet one, out of the way enough that the heroes aren’t going to be harassed for autographs like they had been last week at the place Karina had picked. Ivan gets there bang on time but everyone has already arrived, and from the way they all stop mid-conversation and look at him when he appears, he suspects they gathered to talk about him.

Of course his talk with Kotetsu, Pao-Lin and Keith didn’t work. Now everyone’s going to be getting involved in his business. Why can’t they just leave it alone?

“Hi,” Ivan says, bowing slightly once he’s close enough. “Sorry I’m late. Did the time change?”

“No, we all just got here a little early,” Kotetsu laughs nervously. Barnaby shoots him a ‘seriously’ look.

“I thought we agreed we were going to be upfront about this,” he says. Ivan’s blood runs cold. He almost turns on his heel and leaves. If this is going to be an intervention, he wants no part in it.

It’s only Pao-Lin’s pleading look and the misery in Keith’s eyes that keeps Ivan where he is. If he’s causing them this much pain, he has to make it up to them. Ivan doesn’t want to be a bad friend. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone else like he hurt Edward.

“Ivan,” Barnaby says as Ivan sits down in the remaining seat. “I’m sure you know what we’re going to say.”

Ivan nods. He glances down to avoid meeting anyone’s eyes and stares at his bony wrists, maybe finally seeing them as the others do, not the result of a persistent sickness but rather a warning sign of worse things to come.

“We’re worried about you,” Barnaby continues. He sounds a little awkward, like maybe he’s not too good with the whole ‘we’ thing, or perhaps he’s just not a very sentimental person, but Barnaby also likes to lead and it’s hard to imagine him taking the back seat on anything. “You haven’t been yourself since Jake’s attack.”

Ivan nearly points out that Barnaby barely even looked at Ivan before Jake’s attack, so how would he know how Ivan usually acted? That would be mean though, and aggravating, and Ivan is neither one of those things.

“We know Jake hurt you,” Barnaby says. “We just think maybe something else happened, something you’re not telling us.”

“I’m scared, Ivan,” Pao-Lin cuts in. “Things aren’t good for you at the moment. You can’t keep pretending they are, and neither can we.”

“I’m…managing,” Ivan says, but he knows it’s weak and he knows they know it.

“What did Jake do to you?” Keith asks.

“Beside beat you to a pulp,” Nathan adds.

Ivan tries and fails to not flinch. “That’s all he did,” he says.

Lies. Always, always lies.

“Really?” Kotetsu fixes him with a look. “Is that really all that happened?”

“Is it too hard to believe I would react like this Jake beating me up?” Ivan asks, because the cat’s basically out of the bag and they’re past the point of pretending that Ivan is fine. “Do you really think that I’m strong enough to recover from that?”

“Yes,” Karina says flatly. “Hence why we think something else happened.”

“Did he say something to you?” Barnaby presses, and ah, of course. He’s probably hoping Ivan was given some secret information by Jake about his evil organisation.

“He said a lot of things,” Ivan says vaguely. It’s stupid, how he still thinks he can fix this. “Nothing worth remembering.”

“Is it because he made you turn into him?” Antonio suggests. “Do you feel guilty for doing what he said?”

“Because you shouldn’t,” Kotetsu is quick to assure. “You did what you had to do to get out of there alive.”

“It’s not that,” Ivan says. In fact, it’s something he hasn’t even thought about. It’s not like turning into Jake affected the battle anyway. He only managed to hold the illusion for like a minute and the only semi-serious thing that happened was Barnaby’s inevitable fight with Jake was delayed for a bit.

“Then what is it?” Pao-Lin begs. “Ivan, talk to us. Why won’t you let us help you?”

“Because I don’t need it,” Ivan says. The words are cruel, but his voice is soft and scared and it’s oh so clearly a lie. “If I did, I would have asked.”

“Liar,” Nathan says.

True.

“Please, Ivan, we’re your friends,” Keith says.

It’s a bombardment of well wishes, of love and support and it’s just too much. He’s not used to being in the spotlight. He belongs in the shadows. He’s a supporter, a side-character. He can’t deal with this, not in the way the other heroes want him to. They don’t seem to understand that he’s not a people person. He doesn’t have the right words to say, doesn’t know the right things to do.

Ivan is young and he’s scared all the time and he has no idea who he is, deep down.

“Just tell us so we can help you,” Barnaby snaps, frustration bleeding through as Ivan continues to remain stubbornly elusive.

“It’s not important,” Ivan tells them.

_ I’m not important. _

“Let us decide if it’s important or not,” Kotetsu says. “Tell us.”

“It’s…it’s not that easy.”

It’s not like Ivan can even truly admit it to himself, so how can he tell the others?

He doesn’t want to go back there. He doesn’t want to remember it anymore. He wants this to all be over, he wants to forget!

“I can’t,” Ivan gets back up. The others rise with him, and Ivan feels the tentative control he had finally slip away.

His image wobbles and ripples and suddenly it’s Jake standing before them, eyes alight with mischief and madness and chaos.

Barnaby stifles a cry. Keith and Antonio flinch, and Kotetsu’s body lights up with his power seemingly before he can stop it. Ivan didn’t mean for this to happen, truly, but the shock his abrupt transformation has caused allows Ivan to turn and flee the restaurant, already shedding Jake’s image as he runs. He feels disgusting for having allowed himself to be consumed by his demons so easily. He will never ever let Jake live again through him.

It’s easy to say it now, but it’s the same promise Ivan made after he woke up, and he’s just broken it.

Now’s the time to run though, not dwell on past and present mistakes he keeps making.

They call for him to stop but he can’t. He just can’t.

_ Jake pushes him into the ground, a single finger pressed to Ivan’s neck. He doesn’t bother to make any verbal threats, just lets Ivan make the connection himself. Ivan barely dares breathe, not when he’s trying to press himself further into the ground so he can be as far away from Jake as possible. _

_ “How about we have some fun,” Jake croons. “While we wait for your friends to arrive.” _

_ “Get off me!” Ivan yells back. He tries to get a leg up, aiming for a cheap shot that might get Jake off him, but Jake seems to sense what he’s doing and pushes his weight further onto Ivan. It’s like they’ve ceased to be two different people. Where does Jake stop and Ivan start? _

_ It’s like Ivan’s being consumed! _

_ “Stop!” he screams. “Get off me!” _

_ “Why don’t you ask nicely,” Jake presses his lips to Ivan’s ear, whispers the words directly into him. _

_ Ivan’s shaking and he can’t stop. He’s under no illusion that begging will get him what he wants. He knows Jake’s just playing with him. He wants Ivan to give in, dangle hope in front of the younger man and then take it away. Well Ivan won’t let him! _

_ “Aw, you’re spoiling my fun,” Jake recoils slightly, seemingly reacting to words Ivan hasn’t even spoken. _

_ “Sorry,” Ivan snaps sarcastically. With Jake actually giving him room to breathe, Ivan lashes out with a foot, trying to succeed in what he’d failed at earlier. _

_ He uses all his strength and yet somehow, Jake is ready for it, easily grabbing Ivan’s foot and holding it in place. Cold, cruel fingers dig into Ivan’s skin. _

_ “Tsk, tsk,” Jake tuts. “I thought we’d agreed you’d stop fighting.” _

_ “I never said that,” Ivan tries to keep the tremor out of his voice. _

_ Jake ignores him. “Let’s see, let’s see. What to do, what to do.” _

_ And suddenly his fingers dig in tighter and he twists Ivan’s foot and there’s a pop and a crack and Ivan  _ screams.

_ Jake lets go and Ivan’s leg thuds back to the ground, broken and useless and another burden Ivan can’t afford if he wants to escape. _

_ “You think I’m going to let you escape?” Jake once again seemingly reads Ivan’s mind. _

_ “Hoping, maybe,” Ivan quips. All the other heroes love quipping at the bad guys, and Ivan’s trying to do the same but he’s not sure it has the same effect. Probably because he always responds just a beat too late, caught up in thinking of a good reply rather than a spontaneous one. _

_ Jake yawns. “I’m getting tired of this,” he says, and that may be a sign that he’s going to let Ivan up, let him go, and yet somehow Ivan knows that things are going to get much, much worse. _

_ “Don’t,” He tries, but he knows it’s hopeless. His heart’s not even really in it. _

_ “Hold still,” Jake says, voice low and dangerous. “And if I like what you give me, I might just let you go.” _

There’s knocking on his door, but Ivan won’t get from his futon up to answer it. After all, it’s not like he ran away from the others at the restaurant only to let them into his house. If he ignores them, eventually they’ll go away, right?

They need to give up on fixing Ivan. He doesn’t want them to. He will move past this eventually. Letting others know what happened will only keep him stuck in the past, forced to relive every excruciating second of that moment as they ask for reasons, explanations. They’ll want to know what happened. Ivan will have to go back there time and time again.

No! He’s not strong enough for that. He needs to focus all his energy on moving on, pressing forward. He doesn’t want to get stuck again, unable to make any progress and instead only strong enough to keep breathing every day.

“Ivan, let us in!” Kotetsu yells through the door. “You can’t run away from this!”

Just watch him. They can’t pretend to care now, not when it’s taken them so long to notice, not when they missed it in the first place!

_ Wait. _

That’s not right…is it? Is he angry at the others for not realising what Jake did to him? That can’t be right. For one thing, it’s not something they could just notice. For another, it’s not like Ivan is trying to be obvious about it. He wants it to be a secret, wants it to  _ stay  _ a secret.

And yet…it hurts that they didn’t notice. It hurts that the hospital just overlooked him. It’s a mix of emotions inside him, a paradoxical equation where Ivan doesn’t want anybody to know what happened and is yet somehow so, so torn up inside because nobody has realised what has happened.

It’s almost enough to make him open his mouth.

He doesn’t, though.

In the end, the very fear of being looked at differently, of being treated differently, of being babied and protected and forced to stop being a hero, it’s all those fears and more that keeps Ivan silent.

He can tell himself otherwise till the words blend together and mean nothing at all, and then he can do it all over again, but the fact of the matter is if the others know what Jake did to him, things would change. They themselves might deny it but Ivan knows it’ll happen all the same time. It would be impossible not to see Ivan differently, and he  _ doesn’t want that.  _ He’s only just started to earn their respect after all. He can’t lose it now.

“I’ll break down this door!” Kotetsu calls. It’s not an empty threat, Kotetsu hasn’t been dubbed ‘the crusher of justice’ just because he fights for the good of Sternbild. The city has a funny way of crumbling to rubble when he’s around. Ivan can only hope that common sense and perhaps Barnaby will stop Kotetsu before he actually does it.

“What if I zapped the lock?” he hears Pao-Lin suggest, coupled by other suggestions of ways to get into his home and invade his privacy.

Ivan curls his knees up to his chest as he lays on his side and tries to ignore the tears he can feel dripping down his cheeks. Can’t they just stop and think? Don’t they know they’re only making things worse?

“Does he have a landlord we could get a key from?” Nathan wonders, sensible as always and yet Ivan hates them for it right now, hates them so much it hurts.

“Just go away!” he yells. “Or I’ll call the police!”

“You’ll call the police on us?” Barnaby asks incredulously.

“As if that’d work,” Karina scoffs.

“Right now I’m just a citizen and you’re harassing me!” Ivan shouts. “Go away!”

“Ivan,” it’s Keith speaking, and that hurts, because Keith has always cared and Keith is nice and kind and he isn’t the kind of person you can just say no to. Ivan is just grateful he can’t see the king of heroes’ killer puppy dog eyes. “Ivan, can you please just tell us why you don’t want to talk about it? I promise we’ll go away if it’s a good reason.”

A flurry of conversation breaks out, probably the others arguing with Keith about making such a promise. Through it all though, Ivan can imagine Keith waiting patiently, hands pressed against the door as he pleads silently for Ivan to finally give in.

Ivan would, if he could actually begin to give a good answer that doesn’t make it explicitly clear what he’s dealing with. He’s past the point of denial, so the only thing left is to skirt the truth but honestly, isn’t it obvious by now? What else is there to say that would keep the others in the dark for any longer? Maybe he should…no! He’s come this far. He can see this through.

He can…he can…he can’t do this. He’s never been able to do this.

His wrists, when he uses them to push himself up, tremble under his weight. He is too thin and yet still not strong enough to support his tiny body. He’s in pain and it’s not getting better. It’s time he faced the truth. If there’s even the slightest hope that he can get better, shouldn’t he take it? Isn’t short-term pain better than long-term pain? If he continues like this, he’s going to waste away until there’s nothing left of Ivan Karelin and he’s truly invisible.

When he opens the door, Keith predictably falls right through it. Behind him, it’s a fight for the others to not do the same. They had all clearly hadn’t been expecting Ivan to open the door.

Truthfully, he’d thought the same.

“Well,” he says, surprised but pleased by how steady his voice is. “You might as well come in.”

His apartment is small but they make room somehow, spreading out through the one main room that functions as Ivan’s bedroom at night. There are not enough chairs, but everyone sits on the floor anyway. Ivan almost wants to laugh at the sight of the famous heroes of Sternbild spread out around his house, dressed casually and looking like they had come for a sleepover.

Someone offers to make tea and now they all have steaming cups of the stuff as well. When all eyes turn to look expectantly at Ivan, he stalls for time by taking a sip. He expects questions, accusations, annoyance as he bides his time, but everyone seems fine to wait for him to find his words.

Eventually, he does.

“I am truly sorry for making you all worry,” he says, because when is Ivan not apologising for everything he’s ever done. “I did honestly think I could handle this myself.”

“What is  _ this _ ?” Karina asks. Pao-Lin elbows her and she huffs. “What, we all want to ask it.”

“Um,” Ivan says, effectively stopping the squabble before it can even start. “You’re all right in that it has to do with Jake.”

“Good,” Kotetsu says. “Because it would’ve been super awkward if it wasn’t.”

“Good grief,” Barnaby sighs. “Do any of you know the meaning of tact?”

“It’s alright,” Ivan laughs a little. “I suppose it would have been awkward if you’d shown up expecting to talk about Jake and I started telling you about something entirely different.”

He sips at his tea again, mentally rehearsing what he’s going to say, scrapping each sentence before it can even truly form, because how can one plan how to say something as terrible as this?

“When I woke up,” he starts, because it’s all he can think of to say. “The most important thing to me was to tell you all what I had discovered about Jake. I was in pain but I could manage it. I concentrated all my energy on remembering what happened and then when I was done, I started to realise something was off.”

“Off?” Antonio asks.

“Off,” Ivan wraps thin fingers around an equally thin wrist, feels his pulse butterfly as it reacts to his fear. “Something was off. There was the pain I knew about, my broken leg, the bruises and cuts, the concussion. I recognised it all. It’s just, there was something else there as well. I couldn’t quite work out what it was. I was hurting somewhere else and I just couldn’t make sense of it.”

“Did you ask a doctor what it was?” Pao-Lin wants to know. She looks just as scared as Ivan is, as if maybe she’s finally putting the pieces together.

Ivan shakes his head. “Before I could, I finally realised what it was. I finally realised what Jake had done to me. There’d been this mental block in my head, like I was trying to protect myself. When everything clicked, I remembered everything. I…” he stares helplessly at the others. Even after everything he’s gone through to get to this point, he still can’t seem to say it.

“It’s okay,” Keith is quick to assure him. “Take your time. Wait until you’re ready.”

“I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to say this,” Ivan says. It’s more of a gasp really, and he has to bury his head in his hands, suddenly afraid to look at the others.

“What if we guessed?” Kotetsu says slowly. All eyes turn to him. Even Ivan looks up, pale and shaking.

“No,” he pleads. “Don’t. Don’t tell me I’ve been that obvious. I can’t have been. It’s meant to be a secret- this is meant to be my secret!”

“And you’ve kept it long enough,” Kotetsu gets up off the ground and walks over to Ivan, dropping into a crouch in front of him. “It’s time to let it go, Ivan. You can’t do this anymore.”

No, Ivan thinks, looking down. I can’t.

“Ivan,” Kotetsu says, and there’s a finality in his voice. Everything is about to come crumbling down and Ivan knows he can’t stop it. “Did Jake force himself on you?”

Ivan bows his head. He doesn’t need to say anything else.

It’s over.

It’s Nathan surprisingly who puts a fist through the wall.

Ivan recoils, staring in shock at the flaming fist as it slams through the brick as if it’s nothing. Karina gasps, readies her ice powers to put out the fire, but Nathan breathes and the flames die as they exhale.

“Sorry,” they say. “I’ll pay for it.”

“It’s okay,” Ivan says, because it’s all he can think of.

“No,” Nathan says. “It’s not.”

Somehow, Ivan doesn’t think they’re talking about the wall.

Meanwhile, Keith is fighting back tears. “Did he really…?” he chokes out, staring at Ivan in shock like it’s the first time he’s ever seen the boy.

Slowly, Ivan nods. Keith  _ howls. _

Pao-Lin is breathing hard and fast. Electricity crackles off her body and she shakes with obvious anger. It’s clearly for Jake but Ivan flinches anyway. He doesn’t like to see his friend like this.

Antonio is crying as well, but it’s less obvious. He’s got his face hidden in his hands, but his shoulders shake as he crumples under the weight of what happened to Ivan.

“I never thought…” Karina whispers, and Ivan almost laughs because hey, he wouldn’t have thought the same either. “How did we miss it?”

“Yes,” Barnaby says. His voice is crisp and clear and he’s the only one not outwardly reacting. “How did we miss it?”

Ivan stares at him. Is he…is he about to put some sort of blame on Ivan?

“Why wasn’t this in your list of reported injuries?” he continues, and Ivan relaxes slightly.

“Um…the hospital missed it,” he says.

_ “What?!” _ Kotetsu roars.  _ “How?!” _

“I guess they weren’t looking for it.” Ivan shrugs. “I mean, it’s not exactly obvious…is it?”

“They should have realised,” Kotetsu shakes his head. “They should have worked it out.”

“Why?” Pao-Lin still cracks with lighting, but she sounds slightly calmer. “Why not tell them when you worked it out?”

“Because,” Ivan says. “I didn’t want anything to change. I didn’t want you to look at me differently. I didn’t want to be someone who was affected by it.”

“That’s stupid,” Nathan hisses.

“I know,” Ivan is suddenly aware that he’s crying, and probably has been for a while. They’re silent tears. He’s not sobbing, he’s just…overflowing. The effort of keeping everything hidden has finally been lifted and there’s an emotional release inside him. “I’m stupid and I’m weak and I let Jake hurt me like that-”

“NO!” Pao-Lin screams and she erupts. A wave of lighting floods out from her and Ivan cries out, recoils, but when it washes over him, there’s no pain. It’s just warmth, Pao-Lin’s love that she is always so capable of giving even when she is furious and hurting. “No, Ivan, you are not weak! This is not your fault. You are not weak and you’re not stupid. You’re strong.”

“But he should’ve told us earlier,” Barnaby argues. “We could’ve helped.”

“I couldn’t,” Ivan says honestly. “Because this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I…I’m hurting right now, to be here with you as you find out. I hate myself so much. I feel so bad and I know it’s not logical but it’s how I feel anyway.”

“I get it,” Nathan says surprisingly. “Sharing something about yourself is hard and it always feels like you’ve given a piece of yourself away and that’s going to hurt. Something this big is going to do so even more.”

“I just wish this had never happened,” Ivan whispers. Shock and adrenaline is wearing off and he’s starting to curl in on himself. Now that everyone knows, he wants them to leave. He can’t face them when it’s still so fresh for them. They’re still struggling to wrap their heads around it, still working out how to react but Ivan has already done all that. He can’t be around them and go through it all over again.

Kotetsu reaches out for him and Ivan can’t help it, he flinches away.

“Please,” he says, and it’s a sob. “Don’t touch me. I’m sorry, please don’t touch me.”

“Oh,” Kotetsu recoils. “I…”

“I’m just not ready,” Ivan tucks his head into his knees. “In fact, could you please all leave. I need to be alone right now.”

“We can’t leave you-”

“You can!”

“But we can help you,” Pao-Lin begs.

“Maybe,” Ivan says. “Just not right now. Not when you’re still dealing with it. I can’t drag it up all over again just because it’s all so new for you. I’ve been living with this for a long time now. I can’t let it start up all over again. Not when I’ve dealt with it as much as I can on my own.”

“Okay,” Barnaby agrees after a moment of silence, always the sensible one. “That makes sense. You just have to promise us one thing and then we can leave.”

“What?”

“Don’t hurt yourself while we’re gone.”

“I…oh, I won’t, I wouldn’t, I haven’t…” Ivan stammers out. “I’ve never thought about doing that.”

“Good.”

And they leave.

Pao-Lin and Keith both clearly want to hug him but manage to hold themselves back. Nathan apologises again for the wall and Ivan waves them off. Karina can’t meet his eye, it’s clear she doesn’t know how to react, and Antonio is the same. When Kotetsu stumbles, Barnaby is there to support him.

All of this is hurting Ivan, breaking him apart in the worst way possible, but when he sees the easy way Barnaby is there for Kotetsu, he feels the slightest bit of hope that maybe they’ll be able to do the same for him.

Pao-Lin is the first to come back. Two days later she’s at his door with a bag of takeaway from Ivan’s favourite Russian place. Ivan lets her in easily this time and they flop down onto his futon, forgoing the kitchen. Usually Pao-Lin would be at the food in an instant but she waits for Ivan to start first. When he doesn’t, she sighs sadly.

“Why aren’t you eating?” she asks, and it should be an easier question to answer, if Ivan had an answer to give.

“I don’t know,” he says truthfully. “I’m just not.”

“Are you punishing yourself?”

“No…at least I don’t think so,” Ivan says. “Can we maybe talk about something else.”

“Of course,” Pao-Lin is quick to assure, but Ivan knows this is not over. He knows that his days are going to be filled with worrying heroes all trying to get him to open up, all frantic to try and help him.

Still, the two of them sit quietly together for the afternoon and it’s nice. Pao-Lin picks at the food until Ivan finally gives in and eats a bit, if only so she’ll stop feeling so guilty about wanting to dig in. Then they play cards for a bit until the sun sinks low into the sky and Pao-Lin regretfully leaves. She hesitates at the door like last time, but Ivan still isn’t ready for hugs yet, so they wave at each other awkwardly and she goes.

Later, Ivan reheats some of the leftovers and eats them. It shouldn’t feel like a victory and yet somehow it does.

It’s probably important for Ivan to stick to his routine despite this whole stone in the pond thing (is he using that right?) but he isn’t exactly keen to run into the other heroes in public situations. They’ll feel awkward and he’ll feel awkward and he’d rather just avoid that.

But at the same time, he knows if he doesn’t leave his house then they’ll track him down again and try to drag him out. They’ll think that him shutting himself away is a sign of regression or whatever and try their hand at immersive therapy.

He knows they mean well, really he does, but being a hero doesn’t suddenly give you great common sense or social skills. Ivan of all people knows this.

He isn’t sure the others are aware of this though.

At a loss for what else to do, Ivan starts a group chat. He’s a Gen Z-er through and through, so sue him. Not only that, he’s a Gen Z-er with anxiety. Of course he’d rather use messages to be personal rather than do it in person.

**Ivan Karelin to Crusher of Justice, Barnaby Brooks Jr, Rock BYEson, Fire ICON, Karina Lyle, Keith Goodman and Dragon Kid.**

**Ivan Karelin:** Hello. Forgive me for starting this unprompted but I figured this may be a good way to communicate.

**Ivan Karelin:** I’d rather not worry you all should you feel any concern over my whereabouts so I will do my best to always be available on here

**Dragon Kid:** why so formal ivan xD

**Dragon Kid:** good idea tho

**Rock BYEson:** This is just so Kotetsu wont break your door down, isn’t it?

**Crusher of Justice:** HEY

**Ivan Karelin:** I admit that has been a worry

**Crusher of Justice:** IVAN

**Keith Goodman:** This is so exciting! :D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Barnaby Brooks Jr:** How did you get my number?

So maybe a group chat with the most chaotic group of people to ever exist wasn’t the best idea. Or maybe it was, because on the really bad days, they never failed to cheer him up with a stupid meme or a pointless argument.

**Barnaby Brooks Jr:** For the last time Kotetsu, I am sitting next to you! You don’t need to message!

**Crusher of Justice:** You want me to just leave everyone else out? You want that huh? Shame Bunny shame

**Dragon Kid:** yeah Bunny have some heart

**Fire ICON:** Are we bullying Bunny now?

**Karina Lyle:** _ guys im at school shut up _

Yes. A good idea indeed.

As the days drag on, Ivan starts to suspect that the heroes have gone behind his back and made some sort of schedule or something, because there always seems to be one of them dropping in on him every other day. It’s never the same person twice in a row (barring Pao-Lin who comes whenever she wants) and they always come with suggestions for things to do, movies to watch, food to try, games to play. And, no matter how hard he tries at times, they never let him turn them down.

Today it seems Nathan was on the schedule because they were over bright and early before Ivan had truly had a chance to wake up. They brought coffee (black, no sugar and way too bitter for Ivan to drink) and pastries (overly sweet, dry in Ivan’s mouth but he makes an effort anyway) and some trashy magazines (because apparently Nathan loves reading the stuff to make fun of it).

They sit in the main room, Ivan on the futon he hadn’t had a chance to pack away and Nathan against the wall, flipping through the magazine to find quizzes for the two to try. It feels weird, sort of, like somehow there should be tension in the air but there’s not. Ivan wonders if Nathan will actually talk about why they’re here.

“Your best friend says they have a crush on the same guy you’ve been crushing on for ages. Do you a, silently seethe but stay quiet to avoid drama, b, get into a fight over him since you had first claim, c, suggest a series of challenges to prove once and for all who’s the better love interest, or d, find someone else to like.”

Ivan can only stare. So they’re definitely not going to be addressing the elephant in the room.

“I’ll go with B,” Nathan says easily. “Or C. They’re very similar. You?”

Ivan shrugs helplessly. “I’ve never had a crush on someone.”

Admitting it feels like he’s just adding something else to the long list of reasons why he’s broken. Hasn’t every eighteen-year-old boy lusted after someone?

“That’s fair,” Nathan says, and it’s a shock.

“It is?” Ivan can’t help but ask.

“Sure,” Nathan smiles over the top of the magazine. “I know quite a few people like you.”

“Like me?”

“Not really interested in the whole love thing.”

“It’s not that I don’t love people,” Ivan argues.

“Good heavens, of course not. I just mean the sort of romantic love our media is saturated with,” Nathan explains. “It’s a very normal thing, to not find that appealing.”

“It is?” Ivan asks again.

“Yes,” Nathan says, and now there’s this firmness to his words, a hint of pleading like he wants Ivan,  _ needs  _ Ivan to understand this. “Love who you want and how you want, Ivan. We’ll still be here at the end of the day and every day after that.”

It’s not really the sort of promise heroes should make.

“Okay,” Ivan says, because if anyone knows about the different ways to love, it’s Nathan. “I think I can do that.”

**Crusher of Justice:** anyone seen Ivan?

**Ivan Karelin:** Maybe Ivan has, you should ask him

**Crusher of Justice:** IVAN! Where r u?!?!?!?!?

**Ivan Karelin:** Out

**Crusher of Justice:** but im at ur house

**Ivan Karelin:** How was I supposed to know you were coming over?

**Barnaby Brooks Jr:** Why are you out?

**Dragon Kid:** Hah mum and dad are mad

**Ivan Karelin:** I needed groceries. Is that a problem?

**Crusher of Justice:** guess ill wait for u to come home

**Ivan Karelin:** Lord give me patience

**Rock BYEson:** Anyone notice how sassy Ivan is over text?

**Rock BYEson:** Anyone?

**Rock BYEson:** Guys?

HeroTV pulls the archival footage of Ivan’s breakdown when facing off with the direction changing villain, thanks to a combined force of all the heroes bar Ivan. In a way, it’s almost a confirmation of Sternbild’s suspicions that it was more than just a panicked reaction to being attacked, but Ivan can’t find it in himself to care. It’s gone and that’s what matters.

Despite the sort of unofficial (or rather, very official but shh, Ivan’s not meant to know that) schedule the heroes have set up, Barnaby rarely ever comes to see Ivan. If he does, the newest hero always tags along with Kotetsu and never on his own. He rarely speaks during these visits, just sits back and watches Kotetsu coax conversation from Ivan, patient and gentle as if Ivan was his own son and not a soon to be nineteen-year-old who still can’t take proper care of himself.

It’s not that Ivan wants Barnaby to be more involved. That would just be too awkward. It’s just, it’s still awkward to have him sitting there and not doing anything. Ivan always ends up overthinking it, stressing out about trying to include Barnaby more but then panicking, fearing embarrassing himself when the hero inevitably (?) ignores him. He wants Barnaby to maybe just be a little bit more less anxiety inducing.

It turns out though, that Ivan should have just been happy with an unobtrusive Barnaby, because one day he does turn up at Ivan’s out of the blue on his own and Ivan is not ready to hear what he has to say.

“I’ve found you a therapist?”

Ivan chokes on his tea, nearly spitting it all over the table. “I’m sorry, you did what?”

“I’ve found you a therapist,” Barnaby repeats, as if every word isn’t pulling the floor out from beneath Ivan. “I figured you’d need one.”

“Did you?”

Barnaby nods earnestly, seemingly unaware of Ivan’s incredulous tone. “Here, I put some information together for you.”

He hands Ivan a thick folder and, at a loss for what else to do, Ivan takes it. It’s heavy, physically and mentally. Inside of it is further proof that everyone looks at Ivan and sees someone broken. They look at him and see someone who can’t fix himself.

“Thank you,” he hears himself say. “But I don’t need a therapist.”

_ Or at least not one you’ve picked out for me. _

“I think it would be very beneficial,” Barnaby says. Had he even heard Ivan.? “I’ve already met with them and told them a bit about you so-”

“You did  _ what _ ?”

Ivan’s on his feet before he’s even properly thought about it, hands forced into the table so he can shove himself up and away from Barnaby. His cup of tea -almost empty- spills over the table.

“W-why would you do that?” he can barely get the words out. “Why would you tell a complete stranger about me?”

“They’re not a complete stranger,” Barnaby says with infuriating patience, like he thinks Ivan’s the unreasonable one here. “They’re going to be your therapist.”

“No they’re not!”

He slams his hand against the table and it feels good, like that time he’d lashed out at the door frame.

“I’m not having them as a therapist!” Ivan shouts. “I don’t want a therapist and even if I did, it wouldn’t be someone you picked out for me. It’d be someone I chose for myself!”

“Ivan-”

“You can’t do that, Barnaby. You can’t make choices for me and you certainly can’t take them away from me! Who are you, Jake?”

Barnaby reels back like Ivan had slapped him. Ivan supposes that for all intents and purposes, he basically had.

“I didn’t mean that.” Ivan hastens to say. He hadn’t. There’re lines in his head that connect people to other people in different ways, but Jake has no lines and Barnaby has many. The man he’s standing before and the man who held him down could never be the same. It’s just…

Jake made choices and Ivan made none. Jake reached inside and took away the freedom Ivan had to make his own choices about his own body. To have Barnaby do the same…

“You’re not Jake,” Ivan says. “That was unfair of me. What I should have said was that it’s up to me if I see a therapist and who that therapist might be. You can’t make those choices for me.”

“But…” Barnaby stares at Ivan somewhat desperately from behind his glasses. “I want to help you.”

“Huh?”

“Everyone else is helping you,” Barnaby sounds frustrated. “Kotetsu comes over all the time to make you food and cheer you up. Rock Bison always sends funny things in the chat that make you laugh. Blue Rose and Dragon Kid are both around your age and you’re close. Fire Emblem gives really good advice and Sky High is…well he’s Sky High. But I…I can’t seem to do anything right for you.”

“Oh…”

Ivan sits back down and stares at the man sitting across from him. Sometimes he forgets that Barnaby is only twenty-four. Maybe that’s six years older than Ivan but it still feels pretty young. Does Barnaby realise that? Does he look around him and feel small, like Ivan does?

“If you want to help,” Ivan says, then stops and thinks and tries again. “You do help, Barnaby. Just by being here and not somewhere else. And if you want to do more, just do what everyone else does. It’s all the same, really. It’s just coming over and seeing me and not pressing things when I’m not ready for them to be pressed.”

“It doesn’t feel like enough,” Barnaby sighs. “It feels like I should do more.”

“That’s okay, I guess,” Ivan drags one of his feet across the floor aimlessly. “Just, no more of this,” he gestures to the folder.

“I guess it was pretty invasive,” Barnaby says, laughing weakly. “But I do think maybe you should see someone. None of us have the proper training to help you in that way.”

“I…I know,” Ivan says. “Just not now. Not so soon after I told you all. It really does bring it up again, you know?”

“Yeah,” Barnaby says. “I really do.”

Ivan thinks of fire and he thinks of hands and he thinks that maybe things can be a little bit different and a little bit the same all at once.

“If I ever do decide to find a therapist, will you help me?” he asks.

“Of course,” Barnaby says.

“It’s a big if,” Ivan warns.

Barnaby laughs. “I don’t mind.”

Ivan pushes the folder aside, enjoying the way it soaks up the remains of his tea. Barnaby tries to glare but it’s weak and the two end up laughing.

Later that night, Ivan runs from Jake in his dreams with Barnaby at his side.

**Ivan Karelin:** I’d like the day to myself please

Ivan mutes the conversation and tosses his phone away before the replies inevitably come flooding in. He can almost picture each response now, the ‘what whys’ and the ‘are you okays’ and the ‘can I come over anyways’. He really does love and appreciate his friends but sometimes it’s just too suffocating. They’ve forgotten who Ivan was before this, an anti-social person who still finds it exhausting to be around people twenty-four seven.

Today is for him.

He dresses in his usual casual clothes and goes for a walk, striking out in a direction he usually wouldn’t go in. Autumn is settling itself over Sternbild and Ivan stops to take the occasional photo of crisp orange leaves contrasting against the tenacious green of trees not quite ready to give in to the season. It makes him look a bit like a tourist but that’s okay. He’d rather blend in as a stranger then stand out as Origami Cyclone.

He stops at a café in a park that looks out over a pond, the water crystal clear despite the leaf litter cluttering up its banks. He orders tea, and after thinking about it, a slice of citrus tart. It’s another one of those things that shouldn’t feel like a victory and yet he eats the whole thing and feels proud.

He takes more photos of the ducks that paddle through the pond before paying and setting off again. He finds one of those stalls that sell hero merchandise and stops to look, gazing out over the stacks of the cards, smiling fondly at the ‘sold out’ signs for Sky High and Barnaby.

“Interested?” the stall owner asks.

Ivan looks up from staring at his own pile of cards, larger than even Kotetsu’s. “No, just looking.”

“Are you an Origami Cyclone fan?”

“Ah,” Ivan laughs a little. “I don’t know if you could call it that. Sometimes I just find him…interesting.”

He moves on before the stall owner has the chance to recognise him. He misses the days when his identity was a secret.

There’s a woman selling paintings further into the park. With a few clever strokes, she captures the leaves turning brown, the water slowly icing over, the motion of a bird in flight. She has some ink work as well, calligraphy with motivational messages to hang on the wall of a room and inspire.

_ 7 times down, 8 times up _

_ Trust the timing of your life _

_ Smiling may you go, and smiling come again _

She smiles as he passes, and he nods back. It never fails to amaze him the way people will give their affection so freely, comfortable in knowing that they’ll never run out.

The more he walks, the bigger the city seems to get. The buildings grow taller as he leaves the park behind and the footpath becomes more crowded. People push and shove their way past others to get where they need to be. Shoes hit the ground with bone-breaking force, each person concerned only with themselves.

Ivan stops.

Someone bumps into him and swears, a woman jabs an umbrella at him in what probably isn’t an accidental move, a child slams into his legs and starts to cry.

The world just keeps on going.

If he kept standing there, then he would get left behind. If he lets himself go limp, then he has no choice but to go where he is led. If he takes his own steps, then where he ends up will be his choice.

What should he do?

His phone dings in his pocket and he fishes it out. The chat is still muted but it seems Keith has decided to message him privately.

**Keith Goodman:** Would you like to help me walk John?

**Ivan Karelin:** Sure

**Keith Goodman:** We are looking forward to it!

One step at a time.

**Dragon Kid to Karina Lyle and Ivan Karelin**

**Dragon Kid:** Kids chat!

**Ivan Karelin:** I’m 18

**Dragon Kid:** KIDS CHAT!!!!!!!!!!!

**Karina Lyle:** I’m already in too many group chats with you guys

**Ivan Karelin:** ????

**Ivan Karelin:** You’re only in one

**Karina Lyle:** Exactly

**Dragon Kid:** Shut up u love us

**Ivan Karelin:** Excuse me asking but why did you start this chat?

**Dragon Kid:** Why so formal Ivan?????

**Dragon Kid:** anyway lets go c a movie!!!!!!!

**Karina Lyle:** No

**Ivan Karelin:** I’m in. Which one?

**Dragon Kid:** The new animated one?

**Ivan Karelin:** Sounds good!

**Ivan Karelin:** Karina?

**Karina Lyle:** Fine I’ll come

**Dragon Kid:** yay yay YAY

**Ivan Karelin:** Thank you

**Karina Lyle:** Whatever

**Karina Lyle:** <3

_ Hands… _

_ It’s always the hands. _

_ Hands, touching him, turning him this way and that, twisting his limbs until they creak and crack and break. _

_ Jake’s hands, rough and calloused. Burns on the fingertips, long healed over. They feel wrong. _

_ Everything about this feels wrong. _

NO!

Ivan rockets upwards in bed, chest rising and falling in violent motions as he struggles to suck in air. The huge shirt he’s wearing as pyjamas (a gift from Antonio) suddenly feels like it’s choking him and he fights in vain to get it off. The more he struggles, the harder it feels for his lungs to get air and the less he can breathe.

Is this what it feels like to die?

He finally wrestles the shirt free and tosses it across the room. The slight chill of coming winter tingles against his skin but the sweat and heat from his body soon dispel it. With the shirt gone, he starts to suck in air again, first in huge lungfuls and then in smaller, calmer breaths.

The dream starts to slip away as all dreams inevitably do. It’s as if with each breath, he loses a little bit more of it. Eventually the feeling of Jake’s hands vanish too, back into the world of dreams, ready to resurface the next time Ivan risks sleep.

He breathes in and out and in and out and in and out until he’s sure he’s got it right.

Maybe that is what it feels like to die but he isn’t dead yet.

“Origami Cyclone,” Agnes corners him one day after a broadcast where the heroes had worked together to take down a group of kidnappers eager to get their hands on kids with N.E.X.T. abilities to sell them on the black market. “Good work out there today.

“Uh, thanks?” Ivan squeaks. He hadn’t done much really. While the flashier heroes leapt right into the fray, Ivan had hung back and focused on finding and releasing any of the children unfortunate enough to have been targeted by the group. He’d gotten quite a few points for that of course, but in the end what had really made his day was seeing all the families reuniting.

“I was wondering if we could get you in for an interview soon on one of our shows,” Agnes continues.

“Oh…” Ivan frowns. He’s rarely asked to do those sorts of things. “Um, can I ask why?”

“We’d like you to address the rumours surrounding you,” Agnes says casually. “Give Sternbild the whole story, yes?”

Ivan stares at her, horrified. “Give them…the whole story?”

_ Does she know? She can’t know, right? Nobody told her. _

“You know, talk about how you panicked when that villain held you down because it reminded you of when Jake attacked you, maybe do a little talk about PTSD and then that’s it.”

_ Thank god. _

“Why would I do that?”

Agnes shrugs flippantly. “Publicity of course.”

To her, it’s no big deal. She’s been given a falsified version of the truth and doesn’t see anything wrong with presenting that to the public. She’s thinking about ratings, attention hungry brain on the prowl for the next big story now that Jake is seemingly a thing of the past.

“I don’t think I can,” Ivan says. It’s a fight to keep his voice even. “I don’t think that’s something I’m ready to tell the city about.”

“But you owe it to them,” Agnes says.

“Why?”

“Because you’re a hero. Their hero. It’s your job to give them what they want.”

_ And what about what I want? _

“I can’t give them this,” Ivan says, still trying to keep his voice steady.

“Why not? It’ll just be a small thing,” Agnes is starting to sound angry. “It’ll barely stick around once the fuss has died down. It’s no big deal.”

But it is a big deal. It is and probably always will be a big deal, no matter how far he goes in his recovery. He’s trying his best to move past it, to bury it and move on, but if the whole city were to find out then it would never go away. He wants to get better, he’s  _ trying  _ to get better and he just can’t see that happening if Sternbild latches on.

“There’s a lot I’d do for Sternbild,” Ivan says. “I’ve sworn to die for it one day if it needs me, because I’m a hero. I’d do almost anything for my home. But not this, Agnes. Not this.”

“What did he do to you?” his new therapist asks, and Ivan is surprised to find that when he opens his mouth, the words come easy.

One night before dinner (because yes, those are still a thing) Ivan pauses in front of the mirror, half dressed with his chest exposed. He hasn’t done this in a while. At the suggestion of his therapist, he’d draped a sheet over the reflective glass to stop himself from staring at himself and picking apart everything he’d hated.

_ “When you’re ready, you can look.” _

He’s not sure he’s ready but the sheet had come down all the same and now Ivan is seeing himself for the first time since he started meeting with Liesel.

Not much has seemingly changed. His skin is still as pale as ever - a somewhat dangerous shade of white that crumbles easily under even the slightest hint of sun. The few scars he’s picked up from hero work stand out, and though one day they might fade away completely they’re still too recent to go unnoticed. His bones…his bones stand out sharply but…but not as sharply.

Has Ivan put on weight?

There’s a weird feeling in his stomach and honestly, it might be elation. He thinks about all the dinners out with his friends where they make sure he clears his plate, the trips to cafes that always include grabbing a bite to eat, the hot meals they drop off whenever they think he needs them. Are they working?

Ivan still struggles with food, and he’d been sure that despite the hero’s best efforts, he wasn’t actually making much progress when it came to putting back on the weight he’d slowly been losing ever since Jake’s attack. But…

With trembling fingers, Ivan digs his scales out from the cupboard. They’d also been hidden away at Liesel’s suggestion once she’d found out his issues with food. Again, she’d given him a patient look and told him that when he was ready he could bring them back out. He does this now, still unsure if he’s actually ready but willing to try anyway.

The metal is cold and he curls his toes up in a feeble protest as he waits, eyes fixated on the glowing red numbers as they dance.

They go up and down for what feels like forever and eventually Ivan has to look away and close his eyes. He tells himself to be patient and reminds himself of how to breathe. In and out, in and out. Surely between one breath and the next, the numbers will have settled.

He opens his eyes.

They have.

He reads them once, twice, and then a third time just to be sure he’s right.

Ivan’s put on weight.

All those times he told himself it wasn’t a victory that he was eating and yet all those times he was wrong.

_ “Celebrate the small things, Ivan. Celebrate no matter how small things are, because that’s living. That’s what makes it worth it. If we spent all our time waiting for the big things then we’d never be happy. Be glad when you eat, rejoice when you sleep. It’s good. It’s progress.” _

He puts the scales away and covers up the mirror and crosses his fingers and toes and prays that he can make this last.

**Dragon Kid:** Movie night?

**Fire ICON:** Only if it’s at my place

**Fire ICON:** I have the most space after all

**Karina Lyle:** It’s a school night

**Dragon Kid:** is that a no????

K **arina Lyle:** We’ll see

**Dragon Kid:** everyone else in????

**Keith Goodman:** May I bring John?

**Fire ICON:** Of course!

**Keith Goodman:** Then yes :D

**Crusher of Justice:** Me and Barnaby r in!!!

**Barnaby Brooks Jr:** Just because I’m your boyfriend does not mean I cannot speak for myself Kotetsu.

**Barnaby Brooks Jr:** I will attend.

**Rock BYEson:** ye I’m down

**Dragon Kid:** Ivan?

**Fire ICON:** Origami are you coming?

**Crusher of Justice:** IvannnnnnnNNNNNNNNNNNNN

**Barnaby Brooks Jr:** I tried calling him, he didn’t answer.

**Dragon Kid:** okay im officially worried

**Keith Goodman:** I’ll go over to his house

**Rock BYEson:** are you sure Keith?

**Keith Goodman:** I’ve got this one

…

…

…

A knocking on the door snaps Ivan awake. For a second he panics, body instinctively flickering into someone else as if that would protect him from whoever was invading.

“Ivan, Ivan it’s me, Keith!”

Relief washes over his body and sweeps away the transformation, leaving Ivan behind once more. He pulls himself out from under his quilt and makes it to the door on shaky feet, Keith banging all the while. The man all but falls into the apartment when Ivan finally lets him in, reminiscent of the time he’d done exactly the same the night Ivan had finally shared his secret.

“Are you okay?” Keith asks, grabbing Ivan gently and looking him over, poking and prodding as if he might find secrets on Ivan’s body.

“Yeah, why?” Ivan fights back a yawn.

“You weren’t answering your phone!”

“My phone?” Ivan repeats, glancing around for it. He remembers putting it on silent before he’d fallen asleep. “I put it on silent.”

“You can’t do that, Ivan!” Keith yells.

It’s a shock. Ivan takes a step back, staring at the man.

“We were worried sick! We thought you’d hurt yourself.”

“And I told you I’d never do that,” Ivan says gently.

“But you can’t know that for sure,” Keith says. “And neither can we. You can’t do that to us.”

It makes Ivan angry somewhat. He’s an adult, he should be able to put his phone on silent and have a nap without a flock of busybody heroes thinking he’s gone off the rails. He doesn’t say anything though, because it’s Keith and Keith is good and strong and he cares and loves in all the right ways.

“I can,” he says instead, voice still soft. “I can do that, Keith. I’m an adult. I don’t always have to tell you what I’m doing. And I know that you all worry about me because of everything that’s happened, but I’m doing better. I’m okay. If I was struggling, I’d let you know.”

“But…” Keith bows his head. Ivan swallows back a fond laugh at the sight and leads Keith inside instead. This isn’t really the kind of conversation to have on a doorstep.

“Keith,” Ivan says when they’re seated at his table.

“Ivan,” Keith says back, and smiles sadly. “I worry.”

“I know,” Ivan says. “I know you do. I’d worry too, if it was one of you. It’s just…I’m still my own person. I’m not mentally incapacitated. I should be allowed to go to sleep without getting your permission first.”

“That’s not what we want you to do,” Keith’s voice is oddly serious. “We’d just like a message you know, like that time you told us you were taking the day to yourself. That was good. We will worry, otherwise. And we will come running.”

“I’m not always going to remember to do that though,” Ivan sighs. “And I shouldn’t be expected to.”

“I know,” Keith says. “But you can try, can’t you?”

“Yeah, I suppose I could.”

“We’re not trying to control you, Ivan. We just want to know you’re okay. It was really scary when you didn’t reply. We really did think something bad had happened.”

“I’ll try,” Ivan promises, because what else can he do? They’re all trying so hard all the time. In the grand scheme of things, this is a small but necessary thing he can do.

“Thank you,” Keith says, and his smile more than makes up for everything.

…

…

…

**Ivan Karelin:** Turning my phone off while I’m at the dentist

**Pao-Lin:** the dentist??????? R u okay???

**Rock BYEson:** I’m sure it’s just a check-up right, like those yearly cleaning things

**Crusher of Justice:** what if somebody punched one of his teeth out????

**Karina Lyle:** For the last time…

**Karina Lyle:** I’M AT SCHOOL

K **eith Goodman:** Thank you Ivan

Ivan wonders about his parents sometimes.

He remembers their names - Natasha and Yuri Karelin.

He doesn’t remember their faces.

He wonders where they are, what they’re doing, if they remember him or not. He likes to think they do but honestly he’s not sure.  He left them they abandoned him so young. He thinks about that the most. He wants to know if they gave him up because of his N.E.X.T. ability or if it was just because they weren’t ready for a child back then.

He worries that maybe somewhere out there in the world he has a sibling he’ll never get to meet. Maybe a tiny Karelin runs around, cherished and loved in a way that Ivan never was. Are they better than Ivan? Do they laugh without fear, speak without thought, comfortable to do so because nobody has ever thought to scorn their words?

Ivan probably shouldn’t consider that. 

Most of all, he’s scared to even think about what his parents might think of him now, after everything that’s happened, but he thinks about it anyway.

But it’s okay though.

Really, it is.

He has a new family now. He has his parents, the adult heroes. Kotetsu and Antonio, Nathan and Keith. He has a brother in Barnaby, sisters in Karina and Pao-Lin.

_ Love who you want and how you want _

Ivan’s decided.

He’s chosen them.

The world really does keep moving.

The Earth has a funny way of never letting you feel like you’re constantly in motion, but you are. It spins on and on and you just have to let it take you for its ride. One day the lights will dim and the carnival will come to an end, and that’s alright. In the meantime, you just have to stay on.

Ivan’s making peace with that.

Slowly, slowly, he makes peace with it.

It’s funny to think this is where he’s ended up. It’s funny to think about how the world works when you zoom in, past the constant motion and right up to where the people flock. A child is born and the world keeps turning and yet with each step he takes, the ripples spread.

“Are you philosophising again?” Pao-Lin pouts, slinking into Ivan’s space, something he’s finally comfortable with again.

“No,” he lies. “Well, maybe.”

“Your dinner’s going cold,” Karina says.

“Oops,” Ivan laughs, and winds noodles round his chopsticks. It’s only a small serving of pork broth ramen but he’s determined to eat it all.

“Movie on the weekend?” Pao-Lin asks. “Villain permitting.”

“Sure,” Ivan agrees easily.

“Not like I have anything else to do,” Karina blushes.

“Aw, you love us,” Pao-Lin giggles.

She does.

“Hey, Ivan!” Kotetsu calls from the adult end of the table. “Dinner with me and Barnaby tomorrow? I’m making fried rice!”

“That’s a surprise,” Barnaby mutters sarcastically. He’s smiling, really. “And don’t make plans for me.”

“Aw Bunny!”

Ivan watches them fondly. His body is steady and even though he can feel his power running just under his skin, there’s no need for it to come out. He doesn’t have to hide here.

He catches the moment Nathan presses a kiss to Antonio’s cheek and grins to himself when Rock Bison doesn’t even protest. He thinks about the quiz he and Nathan took and wonders if the hero decided it was time to fight.

Keith bemoans the restaurant not allowing dogs loudly to anyone who will listen. Ivan lets the man show him pictures of his beloved pet, even though he’s seen most of them before. He’s in some of them, smiling.

_ Smiling may you go, and smiling come again _

Where had he heard those words? Had Pao-Lin shared them, had he seen them on TV, were they on a post he’d scrolled past on social media? Does it even matter? Isn’t it enough that he likes them?

Smiling may you go, and smiling come again. When will you come again? That’s not important. What matters is that you do, smiling as you did when you left. It matters that you come back, not when.

The world turns, quickly, quickly. They expect you to rush to keep up, but Ivan’s found sometimes you just need to take your time.

It’s alright.

It’s going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> oh boy okay so, like four years ago when my friend got me into tiger and bunny i wrote this like 200 page ridiculously self-indulgent fic that is just very bad honestly. this here is me attempting to come back to the material four years later and do better by it
> 
> Leave comments and kudos if you can, it'd really make a writer's day : ) I know the fandom is small but this series is so special to me and I hope it is to anyone reading this as well


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